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&this is where everything gets complicated
-really, everything is when you're living a lie, though
& in the intention of starting over 
2nd-Sep-2008 02:55 pm

 

i decided i needed a change. i haven't be truthful to myself, or anyone else. you know your life is fucked up when you have to lie to yourself about yourself.  and is it ever.   

&

i swear too much. this has been a common theme lately, but its true. i want to stop. its not a good habit, and i want out.

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this is a new journal, to coincide with my attempt at making a new life. the only problem is, i don't know if it will work until i get to a new place. this place feels more uncomfortable every day. its like a tight, claustrophobic feeling, that gets closer and closer until you feel like you need to break loose or go insane.

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i hate it, its everything i've ever wanted to escape. and its not like i've got any huge emotional attachments here- but then i think about everyone i've cared about, and my heart hurts. its ridiculous, i don't even talk to 90% of them, and even if i did they'd probably hate me, because they knew kitten, not vegas and kitten was a bitch. so why do i still want them to be around? Chaos had his birthday a few days back and i spent the whole day feeling depressed and missing him.

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sometimes i wish i didn't have these stupid feelings, and these kids would be so much better off if i didn't. i have no right, really, to rely on any of them, but the second i feel depressed i want to pick up the phone so badly my hand hurts.

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and i'm still a bitch. i don't want to hurt any of them, never again


 
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